Almost five years ago I purchased a viola. I have always loved music and in particular almost any instrument with stings. Over the last several years I have fallen in love with the violin, viola, and cello. I could just close my eyes and absolutely lose myself in the music. There was so much expression in almost every piece that I heard. In the majority of the years preceding this purchase, I had begun to find it more and more difficult to express myself. In watching people play these instruments I saw that while they may have not written the notes they were playing, there was no doubt a part that they lent to the music that could not have come from anyone else. I do not think you can play string music (and perhaps all kinds of music) without giving a piece of yourself. That being said, I thought maybe, just maybe, an instrument would be a way for me to express my feelings. If I could not get the words out, perhaps I could at least let out my feeling, my anxieties, though the strings. The thing is, not only was I having a hard time expressing myself, I had also developed some strange fears. The strongest fear seemed to be the fear that I would suck at something. Or perhaps that someone else would think I sucked at it. I did tune the viola when I purchased it. I watched a few tutorials and even briefly went through the motions. I tried to find someone who could teach me but I did not really find anyone. It was not long before I gave up, even if I did not realize that is what I was doing. Recently, someone suggested that I give it another shot. Both so I could have that avenue to express myself and as an exercise in fighting my fears. So today, I got the viola out, tuned it, and even brought the bow across the strings for a little while. I might have even made a proper note or two. Of course I was immediately beset with thoughts of self criticism and doubt so I stopped. I loosened up the bow, packed up the viola and the rosin, and put it all away. I am hoping this time that I can accept that just getting out and tuning it was progress. Putting it away this time does not have to mean the exercise was a failure. I will not stop. I will keep trying. I will likely never be great at playing anything. I will try to be ok with that. In any case, I will move on for the night, and hopefully, try again tomorrow.
